THEME: THE GODLY FAMILY (GEN 18:19)

TOPIC:   HIS NEEDS; HER NEEDS
TEXT:     1 PET 3:1-9; 1 COR 7:1-5              
TEACHER: PASTOR  AWOLEYE JOHN                                                                                                                                                                                       DATE: 18/10/2016

                                                                                                                  STUDY NO. 3                                                                                                         FGCFZHQ/BSC/0003                                                             

FIRST WORD

Men and women are different.

Gen 1:27 “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them”

Men and women are different by design. It is no accident that we see and experience the world differently. We all have our own ideal existence in mind, but to focus on it is selfishness which may threaten our marriage or make it less than God’s plan for us.

In developing this outline, I am highly indebted to Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr, whose well-researched book, “His Needs, Her Needs,” has provided practical insights to the emotional needs of men and women, and other helpful sources.

PART 1

TEN EMOTIONAL NEEDS FOR SUCCESS IN MARRIAGE

1.      Affection. The nonsexual expression of care through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses care.

2.      Sexual Fulfillment. A sexual experience that is predictably enjoyable and frequent enough for you.

3.      Intimate conversation. Talking about feelings, topics of personal interest/opinions, and plans.

4.      Recreational companionship. Leisure activities with at least one other person.

5.      Honesty and Openness. Truthful and frank expression of positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, and plans for the future; not leaving a false impression.

6.      Physical Attractiveness. Viewing physical traits of the opposite sex that are aesthetically and/or sexually pleasing.

7.      Financial Support. Provision of the financial resources to house, feed and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you.

8.      Domestic Support. Management of the household tasks and care of the children – if any are at home – that create a home environment that offers you a refuge from stress.

9.      Family Commitment. Provision for the moral and educational development of your children within the family unit.

10.  Admiration. Being shown respect, value and appreciation.

Men and Women have similar needs, but they rank them differently.

Top 5 Needs of Men and Women

(These are broad generalization based on Willard F. Harley, Jr’s book, “His Needs, Her Needs”) 

Men

·         Sexual fulfillment

·         Recreational companionship

·         An Attractive spouse

·         Domestic support

·         Admiration

Women

·         Affection

·         Conversation

·         Honesty and openness

·         Financial support

·         Family commitment

Remember that these are top 5 needs. There are other needs too, some of which we have mentioned earlier. And need #5 for either list is not a low priority, but extremely high, and the ones above #5 are even higher.

Men and women do not intuitively understand the other’s needs. In fact, even after they hear them, they can’t understand why those things are so important to the other. We hear the list and think; they shouldn’t put such importance on that! What’s wrong with them? Our greatest mistake is assuming our spouse is just like us – or should be. The woman’s greatest need: Affection.

To a woman, affection represents security, protection, comfort, and approval. It is the essential cement of the marital relationship.

Affection says.

. “I’ll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

. “I’m concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you.”

. “I think you’ve done a good job, and I’m so proud of you.”

How? Show affection with your words. Praise her and tell her what you appreciate about her (Song of Solomon 4:1-11). It may be physical appearance, or character, or personality or what she does.

Most men are clueless in this area. Therefore, the man must ask his wife for help in expressing affection, and have her list out some things that communicate it to her. Examples: Hugs, Cards or Notes, dinner out, holding hands, walks, back rubs, ‘play with my hair’, phone calls, etc. (Physical contact of a non-sexual nature.) But head knowledge is not enough. You must do it, and do it often enough that it becomes a habit. Write it down. At first, it will feel forced and unnatural, but eventually it will become spontaneous and natural.

Men: This affection has no direct connection with sex. It affection for its own sake, not as a prelude to something else. However, it creates an environment in which sexual fulfillment can flourish. For the husband, it is difficult to feel and show affection without sex, and for women, it is difficult to participate fully in sex without an environment of affection. She needs to feel an emotional oneness with her husband in order to fully in sex with him. You can’t have one without the other. The good news is: this can snowball on you, where one leads to the other which is rewarded again and again. The only way to end the cycle is for one (or both) of the partners to break it.

Men: The way a man desires sex is how much his wife desires affection. Women: Vice versa. Hard to believe, isn’t it? It is difficult for most men to understand their wife’s deep need for affection, just as it is difficult for most wives to understand their husband’s deep need for sex.

The husband’s greatest need: sexual fulfillment

It’s not appropriate to talk explicitly about sex in a Bible Study, but here are some principles:

It is God’s will that a man be fully satisfied sexually with his wife.

Proverbs 5:15-20

“Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. [16] Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. [17] Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. [18] Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. [19] Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breast satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. [20] And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?”

The wife’s responsibility is not just to make herself available, but to do all she can do participate wholeheartedly in the sexual relationship. In the same way that she does not want her husband “going through the emotions” of showing affection, but rather desires his heartfelt emotion, the husband desires the wife’s heartfelt enjoyment.

The wife needs to treat sex as a basic need (like affection), and not as an optional activity or an imposition. It’s not just a reward for doing good or withheld as a punishment when bad. Obviously, nobody feels like it when things aren’t good, and yes, men are to be the pursuers… they are hunters and women are the “fleeing doe” sometimes, we all must face the truth. The husband needs to help his wife by giving her what she needs: affection, but because it’s right, not for affection leading sex. Should the affection stop immediately afterward? No!

The heart issue is this: we must genuinely desire to meet the needs of the other person.

Phil 2:4

“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

Matthew 7:12

“Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.”

These verses do not mean that you give your spouse what you would like to receive. It means that give your spouse what she would like to receive. This involves recognition that our needs differ.

Beware of manipulations

We can’t meet our spouses need just to get our needs met. That’s manipulation, “giving in order to get,” and it is not love-just selfishness in disguise. We must seek to meet our spouses’ needs for their own sake, because we love them, regardless of whether they respond in kind. Think about it. Would you want someone to be nice to you just because they want something from you? Would you want to be treated as the means to an end?

LAST WORD

What do you do if you examine your heart and determine that you really don’t care about the needs of your spouse? First repent of your sin. Second, confess it and ask forgiveness. Third, ask God for a change of heart.

Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me”